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Smith plugs leaks

with 4 comments

Jaqui SmithGovt. announce plans to arrest Opposition

Following the widespread practise of leaking news, gossip, titbits, emails, and the odd document to Her Majesty’s Opposition the government has formulated a policy to plug the leaks and steady the Labour Party ship.

Speaking from behind police lines and a heavy cordon of two officers (who wish to become the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police force), Jacqui Smith first announced the new policy on entry to the Home Office.

“We are an equal opportunities employer, however there is no room for covert racism, or positive discrimination in favour of those with a few bob in the bank, therefore anyone found to be a member or supporter of the Conservative Party will removed from their desks. We  cannot allow the dissemination of Labour Party government news and policy to be handled by those who are not sympathetic to the national mood, as expressed by the majority in a free and fair election.

I have held meetings this morning with ministerial colleagues and we are unanimously agreed that the role of the Speaker of the House of Commons is in urgent need of reform, a job of such responsibility cannot possibly be awarded to anyone who may risk national security by preventing the actions of my police officers as they lawfully go about their business of arresting heretic members of the Opposition parties. We will bring forth a Bill in the next session which will effectively close this loophole by making The Speaker a member of the cabinet without portfolio, a position which will be enhanced with an improved salary and pensions option, we foresee this as a modernising move which will harmonise the work of the executive and the Commons.”

Following questions from journalists Ms. Smith dropped the bombshell that a few suspected she was hiding in her handbag:

“The Staff of the House of Commons have been informed and are making arrangements for the Opposition parties to be accommodated in Westminster Hall whenever government business is being enacted, it is far more roomier and will allow them to debate, argue, discuss, and rant to their hearts’ content without interupting the good governance of the country. Those who are not accustomed to sitting on the Treasury benches may find themselves arrested, held in custody, and have their rights and privileges as MPs temporarily removed whilst honourable members decide upon their more permanent place in Westminster. This government will not tolerate sedition from it’s Opposition and will do whatever is necessary, whatever it takes, to return the country to stability, members of the press should need no reminder that Great Britain is best placed to ride out this storm”

With a raising of the right arm she declared:

“Glory to Gord in the highest!”

Lord Mandelson was later seen leaving the building via a rear exit.

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Written by curly

December 2, 2008 at 1:52 pm

4 Responses

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  1. Not a back passage?

    Obnoxio The Clown

    December 2, 2008 at 2:41 pm

  2. Yep, Jacqui Smith is as you point out, Very Dangerous Indeed!

    Funny though, how a Sex Pistols song from the late seventies, can sum up this New Labour government completely.

    Martin Johnstone

    December 2, 2008 at 3:34 pm

  3. […] Curly on how Jacqui Smith plans to stop future […]

  4. Nice one Mr Curly.

    If only it weren’t so close to the truth.

    FatBigot

    December 4, 2008 at 2:55 am


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