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Disguise fail

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Gordon BrownPolice issue picture of Britain’s most wanted con man

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Inspector Jack Findafiend today held a press conference after Interpol decided to issue an E-Fit picture of the man described as Britain’s biggest con man, in an effort to make the public aware in the UK and elsewhere of the man’s activities.

Findafiend said;

“He’s more normally associated with the fictional character MaCavity the Cat, never hanging around at the scene of the crime, and virtually disappearing into the ether as things go from bad to worse.We believe that it’s highly possible that this man may even have grown a beard, just like Prince William, in an effort to put police and the press off the trail. However, he has fleeced so many people that even his disguise may fail.

He is a skilled and dangerous confidence trickster capable of removing billions of pounds worth of money and assets with his clever and often highly public scams. He knows now that we and the public are onto him and he is fighting back with even more outlandish schemes, setting up a smokescreen of deceit and using the current worldwide economic conditions as a cover for his money grabbing work. He is a destroyer of individual, corporate, and public assets, a very dangerous man who cares little for the individual freedoms that most people have come to love and enjoy. We need people to be vigilant and careful whenever he is around, he has a long history of hard fighting and is known to have lost the sight in one eye after a particularly nasty incident on the rugby field.”

Inspector Findafiend concluded with a list of possible charges that the Scotsman, named as  Gorgon Brown, is likely to face:

  • Selling the country’s gold reserves at prices more akin to the sweetshop penny tray.
  • Raiding millions of private pensions to pay for his future misdeeds.
  • Gaining money by deception with tax schemes promising better  and more efficient public services.
  • Conspiracy, with others, to involve thousands of British servicemen and women in two wars on ‘very dodgy’ legal grounds.
  • Failing to look after the safety of said servicemen and women by the wilful failure to maintain adequate budgets to provide the minimum amounts of necessary munitions, and personal safety equipment.
  • Allowing local councils and social workers to get away with murder, particularly of young children.
  • Taking banks, building societies, and mortgages away from shareholders without formally nationalising half of them.
  • Conning the public at Christmas time with promises of cheaper prices in the shops with a meaningless VAT cut.
  • Hiding a myriad of tax increases in the small print of budgets that he has presided over or approved.
  • The destruction of thousands of jobs after an eleven year tenure in two of Downing Street’s best known addresses.
  • A massive deception against millions of people after he promised that the Labour Party (of which he is the unelected Leader) would give us all a referendum to decide whether or not we should allow the EU to take even more powers away from the UK with it’s new ‘Constitution’.
  • Promising that things would get better as he recklessly borrows billions of pounds (repayable by poor hard working families and pensioners)  in an unproven action to hold back a recession.
  • Laughing in the face of reality as millions of homes are put at risk, promising to help as repossessions soar, offering a mortgage interest ‘holiday’ which only affects a handful of people.
  • Creating a mass clientèle of citizens beholden to him with a massive growth of the state and it’s organs, as an employer, and as a cash cow (again with borrowed money).
  • Falsely arranging the arrest, detention, and questioning of those who he considered as getting too close to his scams.
  • Creating thousands of new criminals as a result of hundreds of new laws, but failing to provide prison places for them.
  • Destroying the peace and security of millions of innocent people by releasing thousands of prisoners from their sentences early.
  • Spying on innocent citizens with millions of state controlled CCTV cameras.
  • Needlessly adding the DNA of thousands of innocent children to a government database, even though convicted rapists were not added.
  • Forcing millions of innocent civilians to carry an ID Card to prove who they are, just like the Nazis did in Germany in the 1930s.
  • Creating a bureaucracy that knows who you are, where you are, where you are going, what you earn, which bank you use, the state of your health, the colour of your retina, which car you drive, who you are talking to, emailing, or which websites you look at. And that’s just the start of it.
  • Responsible for the closure of hundreds of traditional British pubs as smokers are forced to hide outside in secret doorways and cubby holes like criminals and vagabonds.
  • Taking his scams into the international arena by conning high ranking foreign politicians to borrow as much as they can and repay with money they may never have, after all it’s not their money at all.
  • Offering to bail out, save, or restructure foreign owned automotive companies with money he does not have.
  • The attempted destruction of NuLabour by hiding the theft of privately or shareholder owned companies under the guise of ‘bail outs’, this is a return of nationalisation.
  • Spending your money as though there is no tomorrow, borrowing on your behalf without asking you first. Failing to tell you that tomorrow he will take it back threefold.

Inspector Findafiend added

“With his international lifestyle, flying around the world using the profits of his ill thought out ventures, there is a real risk that some of these scams and con tricks may be repeated in other countries, he even claims to be able to ‘save the world’ too, the man is criminally deluded. I appeal to people to be vigilant, and if this man invites himself into your home then close the door in his face. Interpol has been informed”

Police are still looking for evidence and witness statements of any other possible crimes, if you have anything to offer please leave it in the comments. South Shields is probably safe and is unlikely to come under police scrutiny, Brown has a distinct dislike of the town’s MP Foreign Secretary David Miliband so residents can sleep easily in their beds tonight, safe in the knowledge that Gorgon will not be holed up in a safe house near the Readhead Park tonight.

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Written by curly

December 19, 2008 at 8:07 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Pretty sure he’s been seen hiding up on the Afghanistan, Pakistan border, a favourite place for these sort of people. This picture from a CIA source looks very much like him.

    Tractor Stats

    December 19, 2008 at 9:34 pm

  2. “Responsible for the closure of hundreds of traditional British pubs as smokers are forced to hide outside in secret doorways and cubby holes like criminals and vagabonds”

    Hundreds? 2564 at the time of posting, and climbing steadily. Check it out here…

    Mac the Knife

    December 21, 2008 at 2:03 am

  3. […] is currently on fire. That’s brilliant Curly, […]

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